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Feb 23, 2002 Granny Awards Review - Why Watch When You Can Get The Scoop Before Everything Happens? This year's 44th Annual Granny Awards were held under an ominous backdrop of scandal combined with talentless and publicity starved artists. Sexual harassment charges levied against Grannys top man Michael Greene (our boy Mikey), the failure of a downtrodden music industry to develop quality talent and one major label digital music disaster after another have taken its toll on the once mediocre music award show. |
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One can say that today's Grannys appear to have the integrity, credibility and appeal of an unkempt three card monty dealer on a New York City street. Unfortunately for the general music public, the show and music must go on. The fantasy world of Los Angeles, as always, is the perfect setting for a music industry which feeds off being self-centered, pretentious and void of substance. Over the past decade, the city of angels has attempted to become the music capital of the world, however, it has failed miserably. The lack of culture in LA precludes the city from becoming a music powerhouse. Unlike film, a rich historic culture is an essential ingeredient in establishing any sort of musical crediblity. Even though the Grannys do not officially take place until next week, we thought we would fill you in on exactly what is going to happen during the show. This will free you to do something productive during the 3 1/2 hour music industry commercial. |
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Artists Recycled From Previous Year The artists who appeared at this year's Grannys were literally the same old, same old mixed in with the same new, same new. Due to the lack of talented and compelling fresh blood in the industry, the awards were left to recycle a less than formidable crop of crooners. The show ran for approximately eleven hours (almost as long as a techno rave), a little longer than scheduled. The length of the show was blamed on artists conducting cheesy on stage promotion of their entire catalogues. Some of the older artists even towed their albums on stage with their wheelchairs. Many of their albums consisted of warped vinyl with missing and torn album sleeves. Fittingly, the headliners at this year's Grannys were AlterNoPop kings U2. Recycling the same album they used during last year's awards show, U2 frontman BoNoVoice ran several laps around the green elevated dollar shaped catwalk and showed off his brand spanking new new jacket. The singer's touching performance literally brought tears to our eyes. Too bad we didn't have an American flag to wipe them away. There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that great looking Hollywood extras were shuttled in and implanted into the front portion of the dollar sign elevated catwalk. Moving on to a different type of implants, Litany of Smears also performed at the Grannys. Fresh off her soft drink commercial flop and gearing her performance towards alleged perverts like our boy Mikey, Smears act consisted of being surrounded by fake robotic remote controlled animals. The fake animals were hired in response to criticism received by Litany after she utilized live animals in a performance at last year's MTV awards . One major surprise regarding Smears performance was she was not lip syncing. After being slammed repeatedly for poor lip syncing technique, she has given up on the "art" all together, opting instead just to move around on stage to the music like an inexperienced stripper. With the exception of a crooked French figure skating judge, Smears lip syncing has not been well received. Other performers included Alicia OffKeys (wearing an expensive oriental rug around her body instead of the customary curtains she usually wears), NSYNC (with Smears boyfriend TimberWood making one last shout out prior to getting dumped by the industry), Destinys Wild (with lead singer BeyondMe's booty approaching the size of a hot air balloon) and Lady MammaGotLaid (with four hookers only a drunk'n john could even contemplate screwing). One of the highlights of the event was a spitrited performance by living legend Bob Dylan, who was a refreshing addition to this year's roster. Appearances from Janet Jackson, Gloria Estefan and bad boy KidRock, who took as long as a few beers to get ready for the evening, also helped to liven up an otherwise dreary and stuffy atmosphere. In addition, JLowCut's ass padding, stuck on with double sided tape, was the perfect remedy to help us forget that she can't sing or dance. And The Winner Is... Oh I almost forgot - the big winners on the night were those who did not attend or watch the show. After the curtain went down, there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that our boy Mikey was spotted backstage giving the female members of the U2 crowd and Litany of Smears implants congratulatory fondling. Sphinx |
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